On a bit of a low at the moment. As you may have noticed, I have changed the theme of my blog to something stupidly boring to reflect this. More changes may be imminent as well, as I continue the search for a more reliable server - I may even get my own site! I'll keep you posted...
I thought that after making my university decision (see entry entitled "University decision!") I wouldn't have too much to worry about, but since I've always got something to worry about, I probably should have known better. I have so much work to do, and that is not a good thought to have only a week into the holidays. A week, maybe a couple of weeks before the end it's only natural, but one week in?! Nooooooooo. And it's not like I'm just thinking about it when I've got nothing to do. Out with my friends, having a good time, then suddenly it hits me how much shit I've got to go through over the next seven weeks. Just to recap, I have to learn to program, write some programs, read "A Brief History of Time", read "Thermat's Last Theorem", read a few old issues of "New Scientist" (I DON'T DO READING!!!), write 1000 words for AEA Physics, answer 5 questions on circular motion and SHM for normal Physics, answer more questions on SHM for mechanics (okay, the circular motion and SHM questions aren't that bad, but they don't help!) and work my way through as many of about 500 Oxbridge maths questions as I can. And why must I do all this? Just to give myself the slightest, tiniest little chance of getting an offer from Cambridge.
But it doesn't stop there. Oh no. Okay, probably some slight exaggeration on the teeny, tiny front. If I do all that work, I've probably got quite a good chance of getting an offer. But I don't know that I want to. As I said, I've probably got quite a good chance, and if I do get into Cambridge then it could make the rest of my life so much easier with regards to jobs, so it's an opportunity that I really shouldn't pass up. But... if I do get an offer, and then assuming I get the grades, life is just going to be soooo hard for the next four years or so. And I don't really want to do that work, I just want to get a Cambridge degree! Having said that, I do really like Cambridge, and I do think I'd enjoy the CompSci course there to a certain extent. On the other hand, if I don't get an offer, I'm going to feel so depressed after doing all that work in an effort to get the offer, and I'll probably just be like "well fuck university". So if I apply to Cambridge and don't get an offer, I'll probably end up not going to university at all, because I'll be pissed off with the whole system. But that would be really stupid, because everyone goes to university nowadays, and if I don't I'll just look like a complete muppet. And I might never get a decent job. So applying to Cambridge is a massive risk because it could mess me up, whether I get an offer or not. But I want to apply because it's such a great opportunity. So it's lose-lose. Then again, if I'm even considering not going to uni, maybe uni's not the right place for me. But if it's not the right place for me, one of the allegedly "clever people", then who is it the right place for? Maybe hardly anyone belongs there and they're all just going with convention? Or maybe the alternatives are just that stupid. Maybe following my dreams and getting some shitty, low-paid job in advertising or journalism, straight out of school, without a degree, and attempting to work my way up the ladder is such a high risk move that I'd be a madman to do it, and that's why everyone ends up at university. So there you go. Another risk to add to the mix. It's all risk, risk, risk.
End of story yet? No, of course not. Because with everything being a huge risk, the chances of everyone who said I would amount to nothing being proved right are quite high. Which would fuck me up even more. Then there's the thinking about this shit the whole time, which basically means that I'm too scared to go to bed at night because I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. Which ends up with me sitting at my PC till 3 o'clock in the morning, until I'm so tired that I can barely hold my head up. Which leaves me thinking that I'm just a loser who sits at his PC all night, surfing the net. Which I am :(. Then there's all the other shit that I have to go through, i.e. the default depression, paranoia, etc, along with thinking about the reasons for them, which all adds up to me being not a happy bunny. A very confused, not happy bunny :(.
